why it's so important

there's a hundred and one reasons why it's so important for me to run this weekend. the most obvious is because i want to. the others: i've trained hard. i love it. i've only done one. my mom is doing the half.

but one of the biggest reasons. everyone says when you do a marathon it changes you. once you cross that finish line, they say something inside you is different. it's only been a year for me since i did my first and i don't know that anything changed. i don't know if i lost it because i started training for a half-Ironman immediately after and that was so much bigger that i lost the feeling. or was it something else.

i hate to say, it might be the latter. my mom and aunt were at my marathon last year. and it would kill my mom if she ever knew this. when i finished i remember being so overwhelmed with emotion and pride. i had done it. i had finished 26.2 miles. i was still standing. i could see my mom and my aunt standing to the side taking pictures and cheering. and then suddenly, they were gone. my aunt appeared a few moments later and told me my mom was in the medic tent. and suddenly i was worried about nothing except why mom was with the medic. well, that and how badly my feet were messed up. mom had tripped over a curb that a dozen people had gone down on that day and hit her leg and was swelling up badly. so, instead of being greeted by my proud family i was alone at the finish. i definitely don't blame my mom for this, nor am i mad or upset, but i want to know what that finish is like. i know i was on a high that day and i want to remember what that was like. i was to be so impatient to text everyone i know that i finished. and then i want to go to Disneyland.

anxiety

i think i'm having anxiety about this coming weekend. i'm completely on edge and ready to snap at anyone who looks at me. my heart is racing and i feel like i'm going to throw up.

once again...

i find myself sitting here for the third year in a row wondering if i will be running a marathon a few days from now. the first time did not turn out as expected. last year, i was able to run, but not well. this year-- well, this year there's more at stake. i'm not planning on qualifying for Boston (another goal) at this run. instead, i'm supposed to start Ironman training the same day. or within a couple days. however, the pain i'm feeling in multiple locations may keep me from running 26.2 in 6 days and also from running in general for several weeks. both my knees are hurting, apparently i have tendinitis in my foot, and i'm feeling a twinge in my tibia that is reminiscent of a stress fracture from two years ago.

this morning Jaroomie (my new nickname for my roomie Joram) and I went for a run on the Burke-Gilman. this was our first time running together as he's just recently taken it up and in a taper and running shorter distances. we ran for 30 minutes at a decent beginner pace. it was great because it was just slow enough for me to try to analyze my footstrike, but still fast enough to get a decent workout out of it. at the end, my body felt great overall, except a few key points. a couple were minor and nagging, another made me sit down. i can't figure out what i'm doing wrong!!! i'm really not running that far weekly. i'm not extremely heavy. i eat relatively healthy (except for cake)..... why do i have this one weak spot in my body that has been giving me trouble on and off for over ten years!!!?!!?

i plan on hitting the gym tomorrow morning for weights and light cardio. i need to get the gym every morning this week. i leave in a couple days.

you're fat

so, my roomie and i are sitting in the living just chatting. and out of nowhere i say "i think i'm growing" and Major says "how? physically, mentally, emotionally....?" and i say physically. and i tell him that all my pants seem shorter lately and i doubt that the dryer has shrunk them all the exact same amount. and he says "oh, me and Kibbie (the cat) have been hemming them at night...." and i laugh but say "no really. unless my butt got bigger..." and he says something about losing weight, and bodies changing and proportions. and i'm telling him to quit backpedaling and dig himself out of the hole. and then he says "you're fat." and stops. and with a look of confusion and fear on his face looks around the room, grasping for the right words. i think what he meant to say was "you're butt got less fat" or so he claims. either way, i stared for a second trying to figure out if he really said that and then burst out laughing. anyway we had a good laugh over it. cracked me up.

disowned

My cat has apparently disowned me. He loves my roomie better. And roomie has even renamed him "Esquire" I swear I just heard him say "we'll get you a little hat..." Tis oh so sad
:(

On another note, I'm sick. I ache. And I'm cranky. It's killing me to run. Or actually, it's killing me that I can't run. I ran in the gym in San Jose last week (during my 30 hour round trip, blah). And it hurt my knees and foot so bad. And now I'm sick and can't even give it a go. I have had the most unaccomplished weekend. It's kind of nice, but next weekend I'll bet getting ready to go to Andover. And the weekend after, my aunts are in town and then I'm going to HB. Yeesh. So busy.

running

just to drive myself nuts, i'm going to talk more about running. it's something i'm not supposed to be doing right now. so, i'm going to blog about it, instead of talking to people about it. hopefully this will help me seem more rounded as well, instead of people just thinking i'm crazy.

secrets

i hate having secrets. especially the good kind. the kind that make you giddy and people will find out soon. i'd rather have the ones that i can't tell. i can keep those a secret forever. just tuck it away and be done with it. but those ones that you can't wait to share!!! those are hard.